Elena just said, "Arden! Again, it's Doobee doobee doo WAH!!" in that corrective tone she loves to use with her. I have no idea what sparked the discussoon, but of all things to raise your voice about, scatting is one I would least expect.

One for the blog. E told A she was cute and her reply was " you should have seen me when I was a baby. I was even cuter than this"

You Better Watch Out...!!

In preparation for Christmas 2009, we made sure the kids knew they should be good, because Santa Claus was coming. As the discussion went on, Elena said, "Yeah, you better be good! Otherwise, Santa will probably SNEEZE in your stocking!!" Frankly, I think I'd rather have coal, than reach in and feel something slimy!!

Nature's Rock Band

One recent morning, as we walked to the car, Arden remarked about the birds singing.

"Daddy, do you hear all the birds and the crows singing together? They're having a band!"

Underwear-Dog

Arden, snuggling with Mommy one evening recently, asked Mommy to find a good show to watch. As they were channel surfing, they came across "Underdog," and decided to watch it. Two seconds into it, Arden asks, "Is this UNDERWEAR-DOG??"

Rhymes With "Corn"

Elena was helping Michelle fix lunch the other day. In their discussion, Elena said proudly, "I know something that rhymes with corn! PORN!"
Michelle, swallowing her initial shock, asked Elena what she thought that meant.
"It's like juice, when you pour it. I porn the juice in my glass yesterday."
Michelle, breathing a sigh of relief, explained that the word is "poured," and that perhaps another word to use should be "horn."

Whew! That was a close one.

Arden's Not a Cow!

Recently, I was following Arden down the hall, as she ws telling me some sort of story. She'll do that - walk away while she's talking. And since she's still learning to anunciate, it's hard to keep up when she's standing still, much less when she's talking quietly and walking away from me.
So we pass a mountain of laundry that I haven't done yet. I saw it and exclaimed, "Holy Cow! That's a lot of laundry."
Arden turned, and with a very stern look on her face, said, "Daddy, I'm NOT A COW!"

BOLT, the tear-jerker....

January 2009

Last weekend, Disney's "Bolt" was showing at the Fox Theatre. In case you haven't seen it, it's a story about a girl who gets a cute little dog and they both star on a TV show. Towards the end, the sound stage catches fire, and the girl and her dog are trapped. True to form, not only does the story have a happy ending, the good guys win, etc., but also the movie is packed with stuff for all ages. Rhino the Hampster is awesome! But I digress...

During the intense fire scene, Elena (6) was clutching my arm and sobbing. Even though this was the 3rd time she had seen the movie, she got very wrapped up in it. While I'm consoling her -- telling her not to worry, they'll be fine, and it's make-believe anyway, blah blah blah -- Arden (3) is bouncing in her seat and giggling. Go figure.

After the show, Elena had recovered, and was reciting some of the funny parts of the movie with her sister. As we were driving home, we called Michelle to tell her about it. After a brief chat, Elena handed the phone to Arden.

Arden says, "I wasn't scared, but Elena was crying out her eyes."

Arden the Diva

Michelle did Arden's hair the other day, after she got ready to go out. I was taking them shopping... somewhere... can't remember where, but she decided to dress up a little. At 3 years old, she already loves to wear dresses, earrings, jewelry, and has a shoe fettish. (Don't tell Michelle I'm secretly teaching her how to throw a football and tackle the cats....)

When she finished, Michelle went on and on about how good Arden looked, how pretty she was, and how her hair looked fabulous!

Arden put one hand on her hip and got a pop-diva-attitude look on her face. In the same tone one would expect "DUH" to come out of a teenager, Arden said "YOU did it!"

The Classics - Elena, Vol 1

With a kids-saying-the-darndest-things blog, I would be remiss to leave out some of the not-so-recent classic moments. Without further ado, here we go:

1) Elena and the F word.

Michelle and I were really worried, as the pregnancy progressed, that our (first) daughter's first word would be "f***" (you know, rhymes with "duck?" I thought I'd keep this post as clean as possible). We worked on cleaning up our own language before she came out. While it still slipped here and there, we were pretty proud of the skill we had developed in getting the point across without the previously frequent use of 4-letter words.

When Elena was about 2 1/2 years old, Michelle and I were having a particularly bad day. No idea what started it, but we were already at each other's throats by mid-morning. Michelle had called me several times, and I hadn't answered, due to leaving my phone at my office during lunch, and then being on a customer call when she called again after that. After listening to a couple of rather angry voicemails, I called her back, and she didn't answer. So I called about 8 times in a row, just to be obnoxious and have all my calls show on her call log.

When she called back, I yelled at her about not answering the phone. She replied, "We were at the f***ing Target, Carl! I can't get a signal in there!" After we calmed down a bit, and apologized on both ends, I heard a little voice in the background. Elena, barely 2 and just starting to put sentences together, asked if she could speak to me.

When she got the phone, she put it right to her mouth, and yelled, "WE WERE AT THE F***ING TARGET, CARL!!" and handed it happily back to Mommy.

1) a) Where is Thumbkin?

Barely two years old, Elena discovered a Sesame Street computer game CD somewhere in my desk. Being a natural hacker, she knew immediately what it was, and asked me if she could play the game. We plugged it in, and watched as some of our favorite Sesame Street characters did some letters, numbers, etc. Her favorite that day was the "Where is Thumbkin?" video, which was cartoony and cute, and of course helped her learn about the various fingers and their names.

The next morning, she did the typical sneak-up-on-Daddy thing to scare me into waking up. Usually, she would come in and yell "Daddy," which would send me upward like Claude the Cat, claws firmly dug into the ceiling, shaking with fear. When I finally got her to learn not to yell at me first thing in the morning, she would come in and smack me flat-handed, usually on my back or rear, occasionally on my belly. Same typical result, but now with more pain included.

This morning, having been practising the new song, she strolled in very quietly, raised her thumb, and said "F***in'!"

My first reaction was "No we're not!" My next immediate reaction was laughter. Of course, Michelle and I made her repeat it a few times before we finally decided we should correct her. They say laughter is the best medicine. It works better than coffee in the morning....

2) Much better than "y'all"

Around the same time as the above story, Elena had finally learned to say "I love you." It was easy for her one-on-one, and each of us was enjoying her bright smile and new phrases, especially this one. But she hadn't yet learned to say this to more than one person at a time.

Sometimes, we would pick her up into a sandwich or a 3-way hug. Michelle and I would both say to her, "I love you," and usually she would say "me, too" or something unintelligible. One day, she got a puzzled look on her face.

She then smiled and said, "I ALL LOVES YOU." We let that one go for the longest time, not wanting to correct her!

3) The Ardenator

Ever watch Phineas & Ferb? Did you notice how the bad guy always calls his new evil contraptions names that end in "-inator?" Sometimes he'll even double-up, like a shrinkinator-inator....

We were sitting at the dining table a while back. Arden was pre-verbal at this point, but due to her brute strength and charming personality (she will clobber me with a smile on her face!), the nickname, "The Ardenator" really started to catch on. Elena ran with this during dinner time, calling me the Dad-inator, Michelle the Mominator, and I told her she's the 'Lenanator.

Suddenly she blurts out, "WE'RE ALL 'NATORs!!"

A New Euphemism We Can All Enjoy

(Another catchup from 2008)

So there we were, eating dinner and watching "Madagascar," when Marty says to Alex, "You're biting my BUTT!!" Elena and Arden immediately giggle, and repeat the line. We've been working for years, it seems, to make sure they use nicer language to describe that part of the body, and I decided to take the opportunity to have that discussion again.

"Girls," I said, "we don't say 'butt,' do we?"
They replied, "No."
I then reminded them that we prefer to use "bootie," and even suggested some more terms, such as "derriere," "hiney," and "tookus." Just as my creative gears were turning, and while I was digging into my Kindergarten vocabulary, Elena's smile started to widen.

"RUMPATOOTIS!" she blurts out.

Now you have a new euphemism for your hind quarters. Your caboose. If you no longer want junk in the trunk -- you'll have to figure out what rhymes with "rumpatootis" because I can't!

Till next post....

CG

The Safety Song

Catching up from 2008 - this was late Spring

A little back story first: My parents were both musicians, and growing up it seemed we were always putting things to music. My brother had a song about fruit that helped him remember Lemons are yellow, Limes are green, etc. He and I wrote a song about the sprinkler, called "19-String Guitar." Road trips were always filled with singalongs -- it's just in our blood.

Another pertinent fact is that Michelle and I have tried to encourage the kids to not learn mean or vulgar language, and have tried our best to not use such words around them. Whenever I forget something, or the kids ask why I did something stupid, I'll respond, "'Cause Daddy's a bonehead." I'd prefer they not use "stupid" to refer to a person, so "bonehead" seemed inocuous enough.

Now on to the story at hand...

As the kids grew aware of the world around them, and as we began coaching each of them about safety, strangers, etc., I came up with a song I call the "Safety Song." I told each of the girls, "If you ever get lost, sing this song, and we'll come find you." It's to the tune of On Top of Old Smokey:

My Daddy is Carl,
And my Mommy's Michelle.
My name is [kid's name],
And my last name is Greene.

As I began teaching this song to Arden (not yet 3), she got THAT LOOK in her eye, and a little smirk. It was as if to day this is a silly song, and I would rather do something cooler than sing at this moment. But to make sure she learned it, I began each line and had her fill in the blanks. Here's how it went:

Me: [singing] "My Daddy is..."
Arden: [in perfect tune, and without missing a beat] "a BONEHEAD!!"
Me: [laughing, barely able to hold a note] "And my Mommy is..."
Arden: [again, spot on] "Too...."

Okay, maybe we'll try another angle....

Arden tells a story

We're driving home from a day of errands. The kids are getting antsy, and I have nothing to give them for entertainment. To quiet them down, I ask Arden to tell us a story. She hesitates, not knowing a story to tell. I suggest she tell us the story of the Lion King.

Still hesitating, I offer, "Once upon a time..." which she continues with, to the tune of the opening song,...

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT'S ON THE MENUUU??!!?? Let me see, it's aaaaahhh, piece of Poombah." (watch the opening scene of Lion King 1-1/2, and you'll understand)

Introduction

My kids, bold and precocious both, have been slaying us with their zingers since before I can remember. Since my memory isn't good enough to do them justice, I decided to start a blog, to share with the rest of you the creative and spontaneous words & phrases that our kids are delivering on a regular basis. Enjoy!!



Oh, and feel free to share your kids' sayings in the comments!



1) Summer 2008. Arden, just before she turned 3 this year, was playing with a stuffed animal horse. The horse had come with a hairbrush and other accessories, and has been a nearly permanent attachment to Arden ever since she got it. As she brushed the mane one day, she talked about what she was doing...

"I'm brushing my horsey's hair. My horsey is fluffy. I'm fluffing my horsey, Daddy..."

And then the moment that would make any father wish for a Flux Capacitor:

"I'm a really good Fluffer, Daddy!"



2) Fall 2008. Arden and Elena are standing in the bathroom after a long day, brushing their teeth. Arden declares she's done (after about 10 seconds and maybe 3 teeth brushed). I ask her, using goofy faces and silly voices, if she has gotten all of her teeth. Usually, they'll both crack up instantly at such folly, but this time, NO REACTION.

I said, "geez, this is a tough audience tonight," to which Elena (6 years old) responds, "Trust me, Daddy, we're laughing on the inside."